An outsider looking in
The reasons behind my decision to leave the Legion of Christ are many. If there were just one reason I would be the first to admit to being rash. It has been a long time coming and many are the contributing factors. Of these factors the most enduring has been a sense being an outsider.
For years I felt as though I was part of the family, I knew everyone, I knew the way of life and practiced it to the best of my ability. But there was something wrong. Interiorly I wasn’t rejecting anything: I embraced it all and loved it.
So often I felt like an outsider looking in.
As time went by the feeling grew. I tried my best to identify the cause and deal with it. I sought help in confession and spiritual direction, and I believe the advice I was given was good: was my prayer life going well? Was I interiorly rejecting something? Was I toying with temptation? I sincerely examined myself and redoubled my efforts. But that thing was still there.
It is only recently that I have been able to give the thing a name: suspicion.
Suspicion, not in the paranoical sense of “their out to get me”. Suspicion in the sense some things I heard could not be true. I’ll give one example, but there are others. It was well known to us, and explained from the beginning that Fr Maciel would travel alone from time to time and take sums of money for his acts of charity. This first time I heard this I was suspicios. If someone you knows disappears for a week or two and no one knows where he has been, then comes back, business as usual, wouldn’t you be suspicious?
All my suspicions had their explanation, but for me were never resolved. I don’t claim to be a suspicios person. I don’s suspect everyone around me us up to no good. But if I see something wrong I point it out. And if I find out I was wrong, I admit it.
Turns out my suspicions weren’t wrong after all.