On Friday, June 11, 2010, the Solemnity of Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, I am going to reveal my identity.
Let me explain why.
An extraordinary thing happened today. It has been ten hours and I am still numb. It is eight o’clock in the evening as I begin to write, and I don’t know how long it will take me to put down all I want to say.
My open letter sent a shockwave unlike anything I had expected. It penetrated walls that seemed higher and more elusive that Berlin. It brought light, shattered fear, opened tear ducts and...
Everyone responded. Some responded coldly – business as usual. Some revolted and others opened their arms in support. I felt freer than ever. I talked, listened, suggested, accepted, and above all just wanted to help anyone and everyone. All responded except one. He just wouldn’t come to me: my superior.
I began to lose heart. Then I began seeing what I most feared. One by one he was talking to the members of the community – spiritual direction. Damage Control. No! Please no!
I spent yet another sleepless night turning everything over in my mind. Why won’t he come to me? Why can’t he ask forgiveness so I too can be free?
This morning after mass he was walking outside with yet another father. My heart dropped. He was the one I most trusted; my confessor and my friend.
I ate breakfast. I straightened up my room, prayed Lauds, and returned to my room to check my email. I found consolation in readers respones and those still trickling in from my open letter. Then came a knock on the door.
I had been expecting a call from the Bishops secretary confirming a meeting with him. I had expected so many other things. I didn’t expect Fr Superior at my door saying, “Can we talk?” I responded coldly, I admit, “If you want to.”
“I really want to.”
The shadow of a man hidden behind a black legionary cassock came out into the light before my eyes. These eyes wept and so did his.
He told me everything, and I did the same. There was so much to tell and so much to understand, so much to admire and so much to grieve over, so much to be thankful for and so much to forgive. How we talked and gave each other support. And I realized we are so alike, share the same concerns and desire the same end. He doesn’t want to leave the Legion but to be a part of its transformaton. I want another experiece but am willing to do anything to bring about change.
We spoke freely about Fr Maciel, the damage done, the victims – we as victims. How we have been used and abused. We spoke about Fr Alvaro and Fr Luiz and how they are going about telling the truth about what they saw and what they know.
I didn’t hold anything back and neither did he. I told him how I am able to get around the Internet filter and about this blog, and he has read it. I told him about my weaknesses, the things I have without permission, the hidden things I have done, and it was alright.
I experienced God.
I asked him if I should take the blog down, if I should reveal my identity, if I should do it in another language. No, Yes and Yes.
My friends, my dear brothers and sister. I have seen and felt how much you suffer from Fr Maciel, the Legion and the Movement. Everything you justifiably think about the Legion is crumbling to the ground. A plate glass window is being shattered and you can hear the fragments clinking on bare ground. What will happen next and how it will come about, I don’t know. But one thing is sure...
THE TRUTH SHALL MAKE YOU FREE