Friday, June 4, 2010

I am revealing my identity

On Friday, June 11, 2010, the Solemnity of Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, I am going to reveal my identity.

Let me explain why.

An extraordinary thing happened today. It has been ten hours and I am still numb. It is eight o’clock in the evening as I begin to write, and I don’t know how long it will take me to put down all I want to say.

My open letter sent a shockwave unlike anything I had expected. It penetrated walls that seemed higher and more elusive that Berlin. It brought light, shattered fear, opened tear ducts and...

Everyone responded. Some responded coldly – business as usual. Some revolted and others opened their arms in support. I felt freer than ever. I talked, listened, suggested, accepted, and above all just wanted to help anyone and everyone. All responded except one. He just wouldn’t come to me: my superior.

I began to lose heart. Then I began seeing what I most feared. One by one he was talking to the members of the community – spiritual direction. Damage Control. No! Please no!

I spent yet another sleepless night turning everything over in my mind. Why won’t he come to me? Why can’t he ask forgiveness so I too can be free?

This morning after mass he was walking outside with yet another father. My heart dropped. He was the one I most trusted; my confessor and my friend.

I ate breakfast. I straightened up my room, prayed Lauds, and returned to my room to check my email. I found consolation in readers respones and those still trickling in from my open letter. Then came a knock on the door.

I had been expecting a call from the Bishops secretary confirming a meeting with him. I had expected so many other things. I didn’t expect Fr Superior at my door saying, “Can we talk?” I responded coldly, I admit, “If you want to.”

“I really want to.”

The shadow of a man hidden behind a black legionary cassock came out into the light before my eyes. These eyes wept and so did his.

He told me everything, and I did the same. There was so much to tell and so much to understand, so much to admire and so much to grieve over, so much to be thankful for and so much to forgive. How we talked and gave each other support. And I realized we are so alike, share the same concerns and desire the same end. He doesn’t want to leave the Legion but to be a part of its transformaton. I want another experiece but am willing to do anything to bring about change.

We spoke freely about Fr Maciel, the damage done, the victims – we as victims. How we have been used and abused. We spoke about Fr Alvaro and Fr Luiz and how they are going about telling the truth about what they saw and what they know.

I didn’t hold anything back and neither did he. I told him how I am able to get around the Internet filter and about this blog, and he has read it. I told him about my weaknesses, the things I have without permission, the hidden things I have done, and it was alright.

I experienced God.

I asked him if I should take the blog down, if I should reveal my identity, if I should do it in another language. No, Yes and Yes.

My friends, my dear brothers and sister. I have seen and felt how much you suffer from Fr Maciel, the Legion and the Movement. Everything you justifiably think about the Legion is crumbling to the ground. A plate glass window is being shattered and you can hear the fragments clinking on bare ground. What will happen next and how it will come about, I don’t know. But one thing is sure...

THE TRUTH SHALL MAKE YOU FREE

24 comments:

  1. Father, your words leave me speechless with grief, yet with joy. It's a strange paradox. Regnum Christi has been my life, my comfort and my strength for many years. We have been a Regnum Christi family...children in the apostolic schools, the precandidacy, the seminary. Watching this shattered window is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. The betrayal, the loss, the doubt...it's all there for each of us. I am praying for you, sacrificing for all your brothers in the Legion and for us all. Your words, your honesty is healing. God bless you for this.

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  2. Dear Anonymous,
    I know how hard it is, but it is for the best. A new Legion and Movement will emerge better than what we have known.

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  3. I hope you post your open letter.

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  4. Querido Padre, he derramado muchas lagrimas al leer este ultimo comentario. Me siento tan identificada con su sentir y pensar. GRACIAS por hablar con la verdad que tanto necesitamos para ser libres. Cuente con mis oraciones para que Dios le siga llenando de bendiciones y fortaleza. Gracias, gracias, gracias.

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  5. God bless you Fr. Be strong.
    He will help you allways.

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  6. Father - your actions have helped people get real with each other. I am so glad you had that healing conversation. It would not have happened unless you were brave and courageous for Christ and followed your inspirations to start this blog and you were not just loyal to the LC. I hope and pray more of these real conversations happen. The pain is raw for all of us. We cannot let Fr Maciel's sin hurt our relationships with those we love. We all have so much to offer Christ and his Church. Who cares who is in or out of LC/RC or whether it even continues. We do not need it to serve Christ and His Church and if a reformed version stands it will only be by getting real and truthful and if the Lord wills it -it will not stand by human intervention.

    We have all been victims and we need to love each other and listen to our Pope to heal and move on "apart from our founder". Time to take the good we have been given by our Lord, heal and continue to share His love in whatever capacity he calls. May God continue to bless you on your journey.

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  7. I hope you can help those in Regnum Christi who feel lost, not sure which way to go...to stay or not to stay? How do we discern this?

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  8. "A new Legion and Movement will emerge better than what we have known."

    Having lost the signs of credibility of an authentic charism, I believe that statement reflects merely a human hope. "For the Lord is perfect in all he does." Deut 34:2

    I hope your LC brothers will keep in perspective one truth: The Church does NOT need the Legion, but it does need them, their convictions about Christ, their Catholic faith, their holy priesthood.

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  9. "We spoke about Fr Alvaro and Fr Luiz and how they are going about telling the truth about what they saw and what they know."

    Can you please explain how you know Fr Alvaro and Fr Luiz are telling the truth about what they saw and what they know? Certainly since the Vatican's 2006 communique they have not been at all honest and forthcoming about the nature of the the Vatican's communique asking Fr Maciel to step down.

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  10. Father, all my support from where we are struggling...
    Good thing to know at least you have a pro-change superior...It is not he case where I live

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  11. ..not sure which way to go...to stay or not to stay? How do we discern this?

    This for all of us is a very personal journey, just as our faith and love for Christ is. It is not easy. But what most helps me is to know the truth, deal with it, decide what you want to do, then don't look back in remorse. If we are sincerely seeking our number one goal, heaven, God will bless us.

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  12. Thank you for your openness and courage to always do the will of God. Through this blog you are helping me and many others, I'm sure. I left RC a year ago, and have longed for the spiritual guidance of the priests I held so dear, but felt I couldn't go to them because I doubted they could see, let alone speak to me truthfully, and without all the spin.

    What pains me most, is that my dear sisters, my friends who have not left, seem so distant and unreal. These are women who have been my closest companions for the last 8 years, yet some are unwilling to talk about RC and the impact of this tragedy. We who have left reach out to one another, meeting for lunch to just talk and listen, always in charity and truth, and help each other through this journey. Help each other get real.

    I, too, hope you post your open letter. And thank you.

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  13. Father-- Just out of curiousity, did you attend apostolic school? Did your superior? How does attendence at the apostolic schools affect one's reaction to the Maciel scandal?

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  14. Dear Deirdre Mundy,
    Please wait for the feast of the Sacred Heart to know anything about me. I will post my story and where things went wrong.

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  15. Dear Deirdre Mundy,
    I am not posting your comment on discerning vocation. I think it would be better on life-after-rc. Just keeping to my plan. No offense intended. Some commented on why I changed gears and started over. It was just to give my blog its own identity; no outside influence.

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  16. "But what most helps me is to know the truth, deal with it, decide what you want to do, then don't look back in remorse."

    The night we found out about Maciel's one child, someone in the crowd cried out..."please tell us everything..we need all the truth no matter how hard it is". That was a prophetic line. We trusted Maciel, he betrayed us. We trusted LC superiors to tell us everything and than we find out they knew for years about Maciel's daughter and continued the myth and we were betrayed again. The truth literally trickled out all year and it was mainly thru the heroic people on blogs (whom the holy father thanked in his communique for being courageous to not let up).

    The truth will set you free but if priests you trust are not willing to do anything to get to truth - you are lost. It was hard for RCs to get to truth, I cannot imagine how hard it is for an LC or consecrated to do it especially if you have to sneak on the internet as you have done. Can you talk about how you came to "know the truth"? This blog helped me tremendously to process truth in the beginning by an LC priest:

    http://changobeer.blogspot.com/

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  17. Querido Padre,
    Muchas gracias por compartirnos sus vivencias, por su valor y por su honestidad. Usted es un ejemplo para todos.
    El conocer la reacción de su superior nos da esperanza.
    Somos muchos rezando por ustedes, Que Dios los bendiga.

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  18. Querido Padre,

    Gracias por su sinceridad y apertura. Quien sea usted, le pido a Dios por su sacerdocio. El sufrimiento le ha hecho más capaz de ofrecerse en el tesoro de su vocación. "Ama y haz lo que quieras" nos dice San Agustín. Que el Sagrado Corazón de Jesús le permita aprovechar todo para el bien de todos. En Cristo y en María.
    Un miembro del Movimiento que vive la esperanza de lo que vendrá.

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  19. Dear Father,

    I have been praying for 10 years for the truth to come out. I never thought it would happen in my lifetime. I pray that you will have a very fruitful ministry in your future. God does heal these wounds and He does provide for all of our needs. You have been given the grace to see the truth for what it is.

    We need good shepherds and you are one of them. You have so much to offer and I am so thankful for your honesty. Thank you for a sincere heart and truly seeking to serve the Lord. God bless you and may He heap abundant graces over you. I look forward to your future with joy ---it's all uphill from here!

    Most sincerely in Christ and with
    His most Immaculate Mother. :)

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  20. Dear "Having lived 27 years in Legionary houses",
    I did not post your comment because I did not think it appropriate. But I would very much like to contact you. Please post a comment again with you email in the comment. I will no publish your email.

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  21. Father, I am composing to you one of the most important letters of my life. Until it is complete I will share with you, a striking revelation.

    To my Christian neighbor, a good man of God,I was trying to convey the story of the Legion, to the best of my understanding, and to describe Fr. Maciel's influence and trangressions, when it struck me: I can not call this guy "Father." He has been denounced by the Pope, called devoid of religion....

    Mr. Maciel, deceased, I pray for all your victims, the direct and indirect souls who suffer as result of you. But Mr, Maciel, from my mouth, you will never again be addressed by the sacred honor of "Father."

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  22. I'd like to amend my grammer.

    What I meant to say was "the souls who suffer, Mr. Maciel, directly or indirectly through your actions and deception."

    Thanks

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  23. My Dearest "Leaving the Legion" - your anonymous status is what lets you and others be free to comment and post their feelings and thoughts on this whole situation. Please do not jeopardize your safety or ability to leave by revealing who you are. All of us in your "state of origin" feel the same - wait until you truly are free. I love you - the "Oldest"

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  24. Father, I agree wholeheartedly with "the oldest." Your safety is forefront in our minds.

    In fact, why not take a sabbatical while you await word from bishops, come home, and continue your journey and transition in safety? Any one of us can make you comfortable, and you will have access to your blog.

    Please consider it! We all love you and support you.

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