Thursday, June 21, 2012

Anger issues


It’s hard to admit, but I have a lot of anger issues. Some of it is personality. Some of it began before I entered the Legion. Most of it comes from knowing I was deceived and used by the Legion. None of it is good. All of it has to come out, hopefully in a good way. I guess that’s the main reason for pulling this blog out of the dust bin. It’s therapeutic. It was when I was transitioning. I’m sure it will be now.

I try not to fly off the handle in the presence of others. But on my own I end up cursing – road rage and stuff. There is so much that I need to get out. And for some time now I have convinced myself that “I’m OK.” But I know now I need more healing. I need to get over the apathy the legion instilled in me so I can help other better.

Just yesterday when I went to the Parish to hear confessions and celebrate Mass I was walking on air. It was just one post here and a couple on life after rc. But it felt so good to let things out, share experiences. There is a lot of hurt inside so many people, myself included, all stemming from an institution touted for so long as the salvation of the Church. It’s not. I wonder if it will be able to save itself.

Thanks for listening. 

6 comments:

  1. Thanks for renewing your blog! Good luck on your continuing detox from the macielistas

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  2. Thank you for your honesty, it is very helpful. Those who went through the same understand - the manipulation, treating you like trash, and in return asking you to treat them "as a mother" or a Fr.. It is psychologically twisted and abusive in the worst way, trying to coopt you into abusing yourself mentally so they don't even have to exert that effort on your behalf. Anger is an appropriate reaction to that, no matter how much time has passed or what others say. Be sure to express it and then go back to your love, the love that fulfills you. Not a love you want to have, not imagination, but a love born from what is outside you. I know you know Kant's auto-afeccion, and i think the Legion in some way shares in that madness.

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    1. Thank you. I guess I am very blessed having a parish to take care of and people to love.

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  3. Fr John, I can relate totally to the anger issues. I really can. I can't tell all of my story openly like you can (b/c of some circumstances) but I can tell you from the heart that I understand you very, very well. It surprises me how much we all have in common, and how we all went through similar or analogous experiences.

    I am also very, very angry. I want to see the Legion crumble into the dust. I want to see the superiors humiliated. I want to see it destroyed. Why? Because they are lying sons of bitches, because they have no humility, because they used so many of us with impunity, and because all the while, they are convinced they are humble and holy. It's the combination of all that--the way they treated others like crap and the way they believe so deeply in their own goodness-- that drives me wild. Every time I talk to a current LC or 3gf, I just go nuts. I can't stand the blindness and the lack of true sorrow for the harm they did to other people. I know the anger of man accomplishes nothing and that God is the one who converts hearts. But here I am with my anger, and the sense of impotence, the sense that i can't get them to see and change. I don't know what to do with that.

    At the same time, I know I need healing myself and I don't want RC's shadow to dominate my life even in this way. So I guess we all come back to God in the end, hoping for justice and hoping also for healing and a deep, fresh start on a new path, without dragging these memories and resentments behind us.

    God bless you! And I understand the need to speak and let it out. That's human and it's part of the healing process. I wish I could speak more myself!

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  4. Hi Fr John, I've had the pleasure of knowing you in the LC since the late 90's. I have noticed various "issues" inside me due to my 10 years as a Legionary. This is off topic, but I wonder how often you and other exLC's have nightmares about the Legion. It has been a recurring thing for me ever since I left 8 years ago. I have absolutely no guilt for leaving and feel it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. So why the recurring nightmares? Usually, in these dreams, I am a Brother, and I am the one who is giving a bad example to others or trying to help others buck the corrupt system. Maybe it's a nightmare because I never succeed. Brothers just look at me and carry on, tilting their soup bowl away from them as they finish their last spoonfulls, all in silence, of course.

    -Dan T.

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    1. Dan T, I think I knew you in the late '90's, or at least heard your name. Only recently, after 12 years out, I've begun to have strange dreams about my time in lc. It's bizarre. and I see no connection to my life. I have been fortunate to see loved ones leave and leaving recently, but there's sooooo much healing that needs to happen. I wish you well shaking the nightmares... Mine are like I'm a cog in the vast machinery... and my first "Assistant" plays prominently in them... Otherwise? Not sure what's going on.

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